• Cancer

    Friday, October 12, 2018

    10 Things That Go Through A Newbie’s Mind At The Gym




    1. Oh god. I have no idea how to use any of these machines anymore. I scan the gym and decide the treadmill is the safest bet. I basically push it and go, right?

    2. Does that dude on the elliptical notice how awkward I feel right now? Because my god I can’t even find the damn button to turn this treadmill on. I’m walking SO slow. I thought this was the warm up. Is it going to go faster? Soon? How do I set it??


    3. Is it weird that I didn’t bring headphones? I need to buy headphones.

    4. Does that guy know he’s breathing like he’s gonna die? He’s not supposed to sound like that right? What do I do if he collapses. I wonder if he’s glad I’m here so I can dial 911 on my cell when he passes out. Is that what you’re supposed to do when that happens?

    5. What is this machine and why does it keep trying to change shit on me while I’m power walking. I mean like yes, I’m completely out of shape and definitely not running on this today. Power walk. Power walk NOT at a snails pace, so stop changing the damn speed on me, machine!


    6. I really hope no one else comes in here to witness how out of shape I am. Is it noticeably strange that I’m not running but walking VERY fast? Like why not run, right? I’m like the human version of the awkward grow out phase of your bangs right now.

    7. Omg that girl is in better shape than I was when I was 17. What’s she doing with those weights?? I think she weighs as much as they do. How the hell is she squatting and lifting those right now? Am I supposed to be doing that? I need to youtube this shit.

    8. Is my form ok? This is horrifying. Why can’t it be like 3 months from now where I know what the hell I’m doing. If I breathe properly maybe people will think I know what I’m doing…


    9. Are people watching me struggle to remember how to work out? They probably don’t even care. They DEFINITELY don’t even care. Why do I care? Goddammit!

    10. That wasn’t so bad. I hope I stretched enough. I’m going to hurt tomorrow. At least I went. Maybe I can do this like, 3 days a week or something. Can I fast forward to being in shape? I need to look up those crazy things that girl was doing. How did she learn that! Ugh. I need to get in shape.

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